My Journey Of Faith

My name is Ahmed Abdallah. I assumed you have stereotyped me, already have made some conclusions about who I am, and where I am coming just from the first sentence. Yes, I am a Muslim! And if you have read a bit about Islam, you would have known that Ahmed is one of the prophet’s names, which will tell you that my family is religious. If you have heard my accent, you would know that I am an Arab, so I probably have lived in the Middle East.

It is pretty fascinating how some aspects of our lives were defined for us, and some of our core values were not even chosen by us. So, why is that the case? Because you were born here, and I was born there. No one chooses where they will be born and to who. What separates us is fate.

People do not challenge their beliefs, where I come from. Sometimes, it is even dangerous to challenge it. I am glad that I challenged my beliefs, and I am here to tell you about my journey of faith, and how did it all start

Early doubts

“Those who never has doubted, has never looked, those who never looked, never seen, and those who has never seen, they will always be in the dark, because doubt is the first layer of certainty” — Abu Hamid Al-Ghazali

My encounter with faith had started when I was young. I am not sure if I understood what faith meant at that time. At that time, my grandpa used to take me with him to pray in the mosque before he died when I was four years old. Since then, I have stopped going to the mosque. My family had to do something about it, so my mom decided to sign me up for a madrasa to learn and recite the Quran, the holy book for Muslims. I had a good memory; however, my curiosity for asking questions was not killed like other students, so I asked many questions about God, our purpose in life, and the afterlife.

My family was not happy about it, as these questions contradicted their beliefs, and they were scared that these questions would lead me to be away from religion.

Unbelieving

As a result of the failure of the Arab Spring, people lost faith in society and God. New-Atheism has been spreading on social media platforms like a wildfire. Finally, I found a place where I can freely ask questions and connect to people who have the same questions. Recalling what I used to believe in at that time, now I consider it dangerous. I saw faith, at that time, as a dangerous tool used by religious people that is threatening the existence of humanity, the humanity that was brought by evolution and natural selection. I was a self-hating Arab and an Islamophobic. I bought the idea which is science and religion are not compatible. I was a confused a atheist, too. The idea of non-creator was very hard for me to believe in. The reason you are reading this because someone has wrote and pressed the publishing button.

At that time, I thought going outside was the answer to all my questions, where I would be a free atheist because I would live in a free society. I was delusional and wrong. Even when I lived in Hong Kong, these questions didn’t fade; but instead, they magnified. I started reading because I could not deal with this sense of unfulfillment. After reading from different points of view and a wide range of perspectives, my views have started to change. My readings led me to believe in intelligent design.

God Selection

So If I want to pray, who will I call? Will I call him Allah, Jesus, Yahweh, or Krishna? I call this process “God selection.” I read about different religions and made a criterion for the God that I will believe in. Sounds more like a university admission than a selection of God, I assume.

During a school assignment, I was doing some reading about the effect of the multiplicity of theories on creating new knowledge. I was shocked that my findings contradicted what I had hypothesized. At the beginning I thought that religion and science were not compatible. Through reading, I got introduced to new schools of thought and interpretation in Islam. Schools of thought which were not popular where I live in, like Mu'tazila and Sufism.

I learned how to look at qur’anic phrases and interpret them in a certain way which I was not familiar with. Not like the Salafi way that I grow up with in my society.

A response from Allah

Some of us encounter those moments where we believe it was not a coincidence. There was a moment where I felt that I encountered God directly. In my senior year of high school, I had a lot of pressure on me. I was an international student in Hong Kong with no family around. I needed to maintain a good grade in all my classes while studying for the SAT and get a full scholarship. If I did not, my future would be ruined. I was in a mental breakdown.

I tried to escape from all this, but first, I needed to find answers to why this was happening to me. The mosque was my first destination among many other destinations such as a Church, a Buddha temple and Synagogue. Because I hoped if there is a God there, he will answer to me.

Once I stepped in, I opened the Quran on a random page, and I saw this verse which said, “As to those who believe and work righteousness, verily We shall not suffer to perish the reward of any who do a (single) righteous deed”(18:30).

I went inside and did wudu to prepare myself for praying. While I was praying, I was crying like a child. I experienced a unique sense of comfort and fulfillment, which is what I was looking for.

A more desirable destination

“Your personal nature seeks its paradise.” — Ibn Arabi

I believe that everyone has their own path. My path to faith was different than many, but that doesn’t undermine others’ experience. I went from Muslim to Atheist and then to a believer. Faith for me is hope. Hope that is tomorrow is going to be better. Religion was never the destination, it was the path to be a believer, to faith.

Society likes to put us in boxes, or labels based on our names, origin or belief. I always say I am in between For my family “I am not Muslim enough”. For my friends “I am not Liberal enough”. On my ID card I am Muslim, but on the inside, I am believer. What we can do is challenging those labels, and start doubting or you will miss the beginning of a beautiful journey of discovering one’s self.